Things as it is

Hi all,

Guess I'm back again. Been feeling a whole well of emotions lately. So much so that I have to look back at the post before and review some of them.

Things hasn't been going well in terms of relationships. Perhaps this is why the name of the blog is titled as "Friends".

I still can't forget what happened to this relationship. The fracture, the betrayal. I can't help to wonder if i had the ability to turn back time, would things be different.
It hurt me, I won't deny it. When I first heard the revelation, I was shocked, and lost for words. I felt hurt, even when I appear to have no emotions or feelings. I want to scream, to cry, to I don't know what, but all that seemed so meaningless.
Even though now I try to look past it and move forward, I can't help to think back and hope it never happened. Looking forward, I do hope for things to improve. I do hope that I can have a certain future, but honestly, everything is so unpredictable.
Do I blame myself? Of course I do. I constantly thought about it. Why did it happen? Was I ever that bad? Why can't I be compared? So many thoughts running through my head. Being sad while trying to be hopeful.
Some days when you react certain way, I felt happy, and hopeful. Yet other days, I just felt empty. Some days I just felt that I am purposely avoided. The gap inside is seriously gaping. But what can I do.
Being hopeful is the best that I can do, and at this moment, the only thing I can do. One step at a time then. Persevere on.

I also can't help but feel that nowadays, I am losing my friends once again. Is it because I am such a lousy friend? Or am I unable to forge meaningful relationship with others?
Don't know if it's true or not. It's just a gut feeling. I seriously hope it's not true.
Doubts, doubts, doubts. Am I really so distance from others? Or seemed distant? I hate sharing personal things.
Why? Because the stories are never about rainbows and butterflies, but more of rats and houseflies. Every single time I share about it, people give me that look.
Welcome to the perfect world of mine.
I have to look forward.

Given how my family is. I guess I can wonder why I can't forge meaningful relationship. Family in itself seem distant.
Sometimes I would just wonder and picture, how wonderful it is to create a perfect family of mine. But that dream seem so distant now. I can only just look forward.
Yes! Maybe that's the goal I am looking at. With half the family now interacting with me on a very monetary and transaction basis. While being the problem solver for another half. So what exactly is a family.
Hmmm... I have to look forward.

Work hasn't been that well, but I guess that's my coping mechanism. To work hard and to gain a certain status from it.
Well, will just have to work harder and earn more for now.

If anyone is wondering I keep talking about moving forward, it's because that is the only thing I am able to do. I realized I was bitter in the past.
Maybe I still am now, but to keep walking and moving forward, that's the way to go, instead of being trap and stagnant. Maybe that's why I like to walk.
To learn and to move on. To cope and to move on. To carry on with this life and see what other mysteries are there.

"I told you everything"
"Opened up and let you in"
"You made me feel alright"
"For once in my life"
"Now all that's left of me"
"Is what I pretend to be"
"So together, but so broken up inside"
"'Cause I can't breathe"
"No, I can't sleep"
"I'm barely hangin' on"

"So pull me up from down below"
"‘Cause I’m underneath the undertow"
"Come dry me off and hold me close"
"I need you now I need you most"

Just some lyrics to convey how I feel now. Lets see when will be the next time I post something else then.

Bye to myself for now.

Why will the cookie crumble?

Hi all,

Is it just me? I think it is. Sometimes, I can't help to think how come things always turns out this way. Is it meant to be?

I doubt so. Most probably more reflection and all.

I thought I could be stronger than this. But the 2nd time it happened, I had to come back.

Is the human mind and heart so weak? Can I ever break the cycle? The ultimate question. Why?

Fate maybe? Perhaps. But to leave it to fate? Or to take control of your destiny?

To press on, or to be stagnant? To improve or to give up. All these thoughts ran through me.

Weird it seems that I could have grown better after the first. But even now, mistakes still happen?

Guess it's time to be introspective again and think about everything? Can't seem to run away from it.

I seem to have the effect once again. I tire everyone I guess. Maybe to change once and for all. Bet I can't do it. Haha.

"Now darkness has come to the roses The fire is reaching the end The colors that I have created Are suddenly flying away I'm not fighting myself, will not follow 'Cause my choices are mine it's my fate And I'll never bow down from the sorrow I'll face all that is coming my way"

"When she embraces Your heart turns to stone She comes at night when you are all alone And when she whispers Your blood shall run cold You better hide before she finds you Whenever she is raging She takes a life away Haven't you seen? Haven't you seen? The ruins on our world" Back to my thoughts then. Bye.

Best words Ever - Old Post

Hi all...

Nothing much to post lol...

Been quraelling with parents nowadays...was asked to moved out more then once....

NVM...my funeral is coming soon...

Start of school....wasn't a good day....got to expose to more truths in life....

What a day...

Anyway best words ever goes to this conversations...

"hi"

"busy to talk?"

"Y muz I tok u? who even wants to tok to u!"

"hi"

"have the mood to talk?"

"i always have the mood to tok jus not to u"

"fullstop!"

"dun disturb me b4 i block u"

Woah....All this words are so ...... (fill in the blank)

Meaniful?

F**ked up?

Encouraging?

Disappointing?

Felt all these when i unravel some of my truths in life...

Haha...i think i just lost another friend...

Haiz...another lesson learnt about truths in life would be you can plan alot of things...but people just dun appreciated it...

People dun even appreciate what teachers have done for them...

Still can "chey" ....

So must i not plan? If i dun do it, who will? NVM shall continue with what we have...

Have been feeling down this past few nights? So sry to all those ppl who have been chatting with me....

I think its time to remove my mask and be myself? But that would mean a different me...

NVM shall just use change of hearts to do things then...

Death - Old Post

Hi all...

It's been a few days since i have access to my internet...

Even now...i'm tapping some other people network...

Why?...

Caus my mum don't want us ( me and my brothers ) to play...

and the excuse she used...

My youngest brother hasn't finished his homework so all no internet...

WTH.........

Well....this week i received a piece of news lol...

It's quite a shocking news... but i shall say it later...

Most of the things i dun quite remember lol..

Tuesday

Didn't go to school since i cannot wake up and stayed a home whole day...

Got the shocking news...

Wednesday

After school went back immediately to sleep...

Thursday

Went to watch hitman lol...was quite nice haha

Friday

Went home after school immediately to sleep....

Sataurday

Went to gym with Yirong, Badron and Wei hong at the jurong sports complex lol.....

After that went to have fun below in the wave pool and slides...

Went to my grandmother's house at about 3 lol...

End up getting lost and walked the whole jurong from east to central to west...

Finally found my grandmother's house after 2 hours...

After that went home lol...

Sunday...

Went to work...and home now lol...

Well....Time for the news....

I just got to know thatmy grandmother got last stage liver cancer....

Surprising huh?....

And my grandmother has also been so strong...

I wonder....

How it's like to experience death?

To feel the lost of someone close?

How would i react?

Would i cry? Would i do nothing?

Will it be disturbing?

I dont't know...?

Wow....and when i visit my grandmother...she was like so tired...

So sick...so shallow...so weak...

And the medical fees...are WOW......

$2000 per session for 10 sessions...

That's like $20000 for the whole thing...

And there is no cure for last stage cancer unless u change the part...

Looks like i'm having my 1st funeral to attend to soon...

"F**k this hurts, I won't lie"

"Doesn't matter how hard I try"

"Half the words don't mean a thing"

"And I know that I won't be satisfied"

"目覚めを待つ国の　むかしのはなし"

(mezame wo matsu kuni no mukashi no hanashi)

(It is an old tale of a kingdom wating to be awakened)

"ささげましょう胸に　宿るひかり"

(sasagemashou mune ni yadoru hikari)

(within this devoted chest dwells a light,)

"星になるきぼう　あしたが見える"

(hoshi ni naru kibou ashita ga mieru)

(this hope becomes a star, and I see the future)

"愛するひとよ　待ってておくれ"

(aisuru hito yo mattete okure)

(oh my beloved, plase wait for me)

"こころの窓に立つ　さだめの横顔"

(kokoro no mado ni tatsu sadame no yokogao)

(I erect a profile of destiny at the window of my heart)

"ともしましょう夢を　守るひかり"

(tomoshimashou yume wo mamoru hikari)

(there is only one that the star chooses and ordains)

"星はただひとり　選べと告げる"

(hoshi wa tada hitori erabe to tsugeru)

(whose enligthened dreams is proteced by her light)

"愛するひとが　わたしを呼べば変わる"

(aisuru hito ga watashi wo yobeba kawaru)

(my beloved, you have grown distant from me)

"うるわしく立ち舞う　けがれなき羽"

(uruwashiku tachimau kegarenaki hane)

(untainted feathers dancing beautifully)

"背負いましょう御子の　命のひかり"

(seoimashou miko no inochi no hikari)

(the burdened noble child’s light of life,)

"星になるために　生まれてはならぬ"

(hoshi ni naru tame ni umarete wa naranu)

(is to become the star — she must stay unborned)

"愛するひとに　抱かれてねむれ"

(aisuru hito ni dakarete nemure)

(on her beloved, she sleeps in deep embrace)

Just another few songs which i liked and find it enlightening....

Well....This few days i've been having rows with my mum...

And for the third time

Trust?

Hi all,

It's again been months since i've last update..hahah
Been wanting to do but too lazy i guess...
Hmm, 1st of all, let me thank everyone who've wished me on my birthday, as well as those presents...hahah...very grateful for those..it's been some time since i've last received a present i guess...haha

Just some updates on current events...
Project Ceras is a total failure...haha
Who ever invented forever, i guess he/she meant it to be a very long time with long being defined by the user. Normally, it won't last that long..haha
Anyway, things are definitely changing, don't lie and say that it won't change just because i tell you how i work. Every time i reveal something, a series of events will happen, and the ending will always be the same..haha

Don't complain when you're not even trying and the other party is trying...
Don't complain cause you're not the one putting in the effort to maintain...
This is how the cookie crumbles, and this is how it works for those who have never seen it...

Anyway, rumors are always there, that's why i'll never be able to succeed.
Who wouldn't be affected by them? Once that happens, there will be a change, no matter how tiny it is, there will definitely be a change, like a crack in a wall.
Slowly and slowly, that crack will expand, and soon, no matter how much mending you do to it, it'll never be the same again. Soon, you'll have no choice but to break it down to build a new one.

Speaking of walls, it's good to build walls and hide i guess. There's not much you can trust anywhere. Normally, those around you will be the one who you can trust the least..

Justice like what so many people say is just justice to individuals.
If you find that justice should be this way and many people agrees with you, then it became justice. When justice is served, there will always be a party that thinks that every right is done, and there's a party that thinks that the world is unjust.
This is justice..hahaha

"I pull my heart from the end"
"You always took it and broke it over me"
"You say that I didn't care"
"How could my dream turn to despair?"

"If I tear you open wide take a look inside are you pretty?"
"Can I get inside your mind see what I can find? Are you pretty?"
"So just take off that disguise everyone knows that you're only"
"Pretty on the outside"

Here's something for people to get into the mood..
That's all for now i guess..
Till next time..
bb

As the wheel turns...

Hi guys,

It's been months since i've last posted...
Way too many things had happened since then.. haha

Well, 1st of all, truth really hurts..
The truth of it is, it's gets numb at some point of time..
i feel like cutting my heart out to see what it's made off...hmmm..
Anyway, things aren't what they used to be in the past..
This is when regrets come in...
Why do humans compare? Why do i always compare? Why why why?
Maybe i miss the past too much..

Anyway, i realize that problems faced last time is now faced by others...
How i envy them to face it now, when i faced it so long ago..
How i envy them that they'll get advice while i stagger around blindly before i force an answer out..
How i envy that their lives are so different from now...

Remember the saying one's for all and all's for one?
Where's the one in things man? The oneness that so many people talks about?
if there's such things as oneness and fairness, there wouldn't be laws and rules to keep it in order...haha

I also realize something...
People don't trust or believe me...
I mean, why should they right?
But is it my blessing to see things happened to others and suffer the same as me last time?
And every time this happens, i'll just have to blame myself..why? Cause it's my fault for not putting enough effort to help...if only...
If if if, what's with all the if...

Anyway, back to realization, i realize that i sometimes disgust myself...
For being so irritating..
Everyone hates it.. and i meant EVERYONE...
Why am i like that?
Is this the side effects of changing?
Maybe i should close it all up..

Anyway, i guess i lost the last link...
Maybe...who knows...
But most probably i've lost it..
Thanks to? Me of course...
Haha, what else can be the reason?

The signs are clear,
The time is near,
When the wheel completes it's cycle,
It's when i'll hope for a miracle.
This is how it is suppose to be i guess...

Recent news speaks of someone who died, and everyone is grieving?
People just don't appreciated enough of what's happening around them to care..
Why don't humans appreciate everything and take care of it?
Why do humans regret? Why do humans not care...

Have you seen before someone dying in front of you?
The eyes that's full of regret, full of things that they worry and can't give up yet..
Have you seen what a dying can do? What death can drive a person?
Have you killed anything or anyone before?
Do you know the feeling of causing the death of someone?
How do i make everyone understand?
The pain in all this...
Sometimes, i agree, that only through pain and death, can humans truly learn and and change their thinking...

Hmm, the thinking of a different me? Hmm...
The truth of having equivalent exchange..Hmmm..

"He just wants to be heard whether it's the beat or the mic"
"He feels so unlike everybody else, alone"
"In spite of the fact that some people still think that they know him"
"But fuck em, he knows the code"
"It's not about the salary"
"It's all about reality and making some noise"
"Makin the story - makin sure his clique stays up
"That means when he puts it down Tak's pickin it up! let's go!"

"Violent breathing"
"keeps the oxygen kissing torn up lungs."
"My hearts beating but it won’t keep me from saving everyone."
"Yet I still have"
"messages to send to those I love."
"Violent breathing, it won’t keep me from saving everyone."

Well, that's all for now i guess...
Let's see how the wheel spins from now on then..haha..
Till next time..
bb

Hiding?

Hi guys,

It's been months since i've last posted...
Way too many things had happened since then.. haha

Well, 1st up, i'll like to thanks those that had wished me on my birthday.
They are as follows:

20/11

00:01:41 Zara message
06:29:30 Wei Hao wish
06:29:31 Clarence wish
07:25:10 Anderson, Gibson, Sathish, Ivan, Tobias, Alvin wish
07:48:47 Hidayah message
07:50:20 Bunk song
07:51:30 Hidayah song
07:55:14 Joanna message
08:18:18 Vanessa message
08:52:23 Zarir wish
10:00:32 Christabel message
10:01:05 Chin Yee wish
10:06:34 Wan Yi message
10:07:45 Sir Tan wish
10:31:40 Wei Hsiang message
14:12:06 Liyi message
20:15:11 Charmaine message
23:38:22 Jun Rong message
?? Victoria message

21/11

10:03:53 Wei Hong message

28/11

01:03:40 Li Ling, Joanna, Yan Ming, Hui Qi, Chin Zian gave a card and a present

11/12

22:43:30 Chin Yee, Ming Min, Miao Qing, Gordon, Liyi gave a present.

A really BIG thank you to everyone.. haha...really appreciate it...

Anyway, everyone is a moron or an idiot...
Why? Because we make decisions based on our feelings and emotions...
Humans are given the ability to think, but most of the time,
when we are overcome with emotions, the ability to think disappears...
Thus, decisions that will be regretted as a later part will be made...

I'm tired of all the things that i've done, when nobody appreciates it...
People recognize you for the credits you've done, but when people don't do that anymore, you'll start to think whether they appreciated it or not.
Worst still, if you're reprimanded for helping, it makes it worst doesn't it..

Speaking about which, i'll like to talk about the newer generation being weaker..
In terms of physically as well as mentally..Why so?
Look around and you'll see that most newer generation don't have the willpower to carry on. After a failure, they'll tend to fail more and more...
People often associate stress being the main problem, but isn't the person who can't bear it to be blamed as well? For not being about to take the stress..

The greatest fear in a person isn't death, it's to be forgotten...
In my opinion, if you've not done anything at all to be remembered as a person, then you've lived your life in vain, for whatever you did, it was nothing..
How sad can it be when nobody actually remembers you...

Anyway, have you ever been to an uninvited event?
Ever wonder how everyone will look at you and think of why you are there..
That's why i hate to go to uninvited events..
If people genuinely wants you to go, they'll invite you...

Another thing that i don't like is the fact that i know that person is lying to me just to make me happy.
These really makes me tick as there's no point in lying to me, for i don't need to be happy, i want to know the truth...

Anyway, by right, parents are suppose to care for their children and support them till they're out to work right?
But from what i'm seeing now, how come there's so many by left?
Parents are borrowing money from kids instead of the other way round, parents are letting the kids fend for themselves while they migrate.
Is this due to the fact that they don't dare to face the truth?
The truth that they are quite a failure?

To be logical, reasonable is a crime.. for being the eldest, it's always about forgive and forget...
Giving in, setting example, doing everything and all the responsibility...
I guess it's a sad life huh?

Last thing to address would be that people gambled their life away, while others are dying outside on the streets.. Seems like a great link to parents huh?
Should i even care? I can't be bothered anymore even though it's affecting me...

"I told you everything"
"Opened up and let you in"
"You made me feel alright"
"For once in my life"
"Now all that's left of me"
"Is what I pretend to be"
"So together, but so broken up inside"
"'Cause I can't breathe"
"No, I can't sleep"
"I'm barely hangin' on"

"The paranoia is in bloom,"
"The PR transmissions will resume,"
"They'll try to push drugs to keep us all dumbed down,"
"And hope that we will never see the truth around,"
"SO COME ON!"
"Another promise, another seed,"
"Another packaged lie to keep us trapped in greed,"
"With all the green belts wrapped around our minds",
"And endless red tape to keep the truth confined,"
"SO COME ON!"

Just some songs to convey the message..
Well that's all for now then...
Till next time..
bb

Hmm...

Hi all,

It's been months since i've last posted..
And as usual, lots of things happened...

Well, 1st off, i'm in the army already...lol..
So it's Tekong on weekdays and Singapore on on weekends... haha

Alright to start it all up, let me tell you guys a story..

There was once a boy,
who liked a girl a lot.
He was 12 then,
and he thought he knew what love was.
One day, the girl got hit by a car while crossing the road.
The boy saw the whole thing, but did not know what to do.
In the end, the girl died in front of the boy,
while the boy knows nothing but to stand there with tears running down his cheeks.
The boy's heart was shattered, broken into piece.
He promised that he'll be able to help others instead of standing there,
and never shed a tear again.

Well, that's the end of the story, hope you guys liked it..haha

Anyway, i'm sick and tired of all the things that i've done, and end up, people don't even care about it.
I've put in my effort, give it what i can, and yet, it's either ignored or treated as a norm.
It's in my nature to help, but please don't take it for granted..
Perhaps i should try to help less, maybe that'll work..

Sometimes i do think i'm too proud, but i find myself despising the younger generations more and more..
Everyone is getting weaker and weaker, demanding more and more, and becoming more like bastards and bitches..
Parents nowadays are like servants to some kids, fulfilling the kid's every wishes and all, and end up, they'll learn to regret once the kid takes it for granted..
Perhaps "battle royale" isn't so bad after all, since it teaches everyone to be stronger...hmmm...

Well, thanks to this generation of spoiled brats, there are more morons and selfish bastards around..
Like i say, kids take things for granted, they expect everything to be spoon fed to them..
Soon, we'll have kids who'll be like, "Mum, help me wear my clothes!"
Kids also don't use they're brains anymore, the brains are so tuned to studying for exams, but not used for the basic function of thinking logically and such, thus making them do stupid things, like wanting to die every time they face with a small problem, smoking and thinks that it's cool, etc etc...

Anyway, enough of kids, let's talk about a man's greatest fear.
It's not spiders, death, heights, durians, etc etc...
I found out that a man's greatest fear is actually being forgotten.
When you're forgotten, you practically never exist before, nothing you have done had any impact on others.
In short, it meant you've wasted your life for nothing, nothing at all, for you never exist if no one remembers you..
How sad can that actually be...hmmm...

Once again, i hate going to uninvited events...
Why? Because every time i go for such an event, the expression on others face would be priceless..
"What are you doing here?"
"Where did you come from?"
People will be wondering what in the hell are you doing there...
Even if it was to ask to go for an uninvited event, people will always ask, "How you know?"
There's no intention of me being there 1st, so that's why i'm not invited.
So if you guys want a reason, there you have it...

By the way, i've realised, there's no such things as unbroken promises..
Promises are there to be broken..
No matter how much people avoid breaking it, promises will fail with memories..
So why promise all the flashy stuff when promises are only a short lived thing...

Anyway, there's always an inferior feeling...
Not sure whether is is affected by the past, but whenever i think of it, i'll try and hide it..
Maybe i shouldn't have this negative feeling at all...hmmm...
Since i'm always being pushed to my limits...
It's like they want you to constantly improve without much rest...

Anyway, i sometimes do have the urge to just take a knife and stab myself..
To feel whether the pain is real enough...
To feel the pain of everything...
Hmm, wierd thoughts again...

"So dont try to say you're sorry,"
"Or try to make it right,"
"Don't waste your breath because it's too late, it's too late."

"I remember what they taught to me,"
"Remember condescending talk,"
"Of who I ought to be,"
"Remember listening to all of that,"
"And this again,"
"So I pretended up a person who was fitting in,"
"And now you think this person,"
"Really is me and I'm,"
"(Trying to bend the truth)"
"The more I push,"
"The more I’m pulling away,"
"Cause I’m,"
"(Lying my way from)"
"You!"

Just a few songs again to portray the mood...
That's all i guess...
Till next time...
bb

Shhh...

Hi all,

It's been some time since i've last posted...
And as usual, lots of things have happened...

Well, to start it out, let's start with what happened from the past till the present..
Hmm, i've began to work at carrefour, and to me, it's an easy enough job.
But i'll have to comment one thing on humans lol...
It's that people judge you by how you wear..
I was helping out with explaining, but when he looked at me, he gave me that look...
The look of distrust and doubtfulness...
Just because i'm not wearing the uniform, doesn't mean i don't know anything about it right?...

Well, even in working, i also felt the coldness...
I'm not talking about the temperature, but of feeling others emits...
The feeling that you're all alone in this world...
I'll still have to say that eating alone is seriously one of the things i dislike doing...It seriously is lonesome..
It seriously is pitiful being alone...
When you can find no one in this world to actually understand you..
To actually envy those who have a soul mate, well, i guess that's just me...

Anyway, speaking of which, i realized that i'm pissing more people off actually trying to cheer them up...
Every time i try to do so, i irritate them, or just make matters worst...
Guess i'm not cut out to be a person to counsel others after all...
Can't seem to use the correct words and convey the correct meaning..

Anyway, recently i read a poem which i find quite interesting..
"there once was a little girl who never knew love until a boy broke her heart."
It's a tattoo of Megan Fox, and it's quite fascinating how this poem is....
How it describe the knowledge of gaining something only to realize you've actually loss something in the process...

I've just realize start off with too many anyways lol, so to continue on, i recently fought in a cold war. Standing one side was the ruling power of our family, the 2 supporting pillars and the ever so right parents...
And standing at the other corner of the ring is myself...
It all happened when they suddenly blamed me for all the crap...
Saying that i was a bad influence and all...
Well, they wished that i was never born, ask me to go die, ignore me, cut off my allowance, want me to move out, blah blah blah...
I'm still here, so i can't possibly die, thought of moving out but can't find a house to rent, but all i can say from the war was that it ended...
Still i'm now living off my pay from work, but at least there's the cut off from the nagging and insults part, and of course, the paying of bills for electricity and water...
Guess it was a lucky break for me huh?

After that particular incident, which happened some time ago, she went off to cut the internet...
Most people i would say, didn't even notice, so never mind...haha..

Hmm, quite recently, i had a SUMO gathering...
It was quite fun to see the familiar faces...though i'm still considered new there...
Well, end up i got myself pretty drunk, with more then 30 bottles of beer shared among 6 people...
Hmm, let's just say, the feeling of getting drunk, it's just terrible, cup it over with my lack of sleep, i totally can't stand it..
It's like me without energy, and with every vision looking quite alive...
Hmm, one experience that i definitely wouldn't mind missing...

Anyway, my brother got himself a new dragon tattoo on his chest...
Seriously, it's fucked up...
My own brother joining the triads, smoking, trying to act like some big fucker...
This is the best man...

"There was nothing in sight"
"but memories left abandoned"
"There was nowhere to hide"
"the ashes fell like snow"
"And the ground caved in"
"between where we were standing"
"And your voice was all I heard"
"That I get what I deserve"

"I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon"
"After all I knew it had to be something to do with you"
"I really don't mind what happens now and then"
"As long as you'll be my friend at the end"

Well, as usual, some songs to take the mind of things...
Hmm, before i end this, i do hope that those who do visit here to actually keep it a hush...
That's all i guess..
Till next time...
bb