Things as it is

Hi all,

Guess I'm back again. Been feeling a whole well of emotions lately. So much so that I have to look back at the post before and review some of them.

Things hasn't been going well in terms of relationships. Perhaps this is why the name of the blog is titled as "Friends".

I still can't forget what happened to this relationship. The fracture, the betrayal. I can't help to wonder if i had the ability to turn back time, would things be different.
It hurt me, I won't deny it. When I first heard the revelation, I was shocked, and lost for words. I felt hurt, even when I appear to have no emotions or feelings. I want to scream, to cry, to I don't know what, but all that seemed so meaningless.
Even though now I try to look past it and move forward, I can't help to think back and hope it never happened. Looking forward, I do hope for things to improve. I do hope that I can have a certain future, but honestly, everything is so unpredictable.
Do I blame myself? Of course I do. I constantly thought about it. Why did it happen? Was I ever that bad? Why can't I be compared? So many thoughts running through my head. Being sad while trying to be hopeful.
Some days when you react certain way, I felt happy, and hopeful. Yet other days, I just felt empty. Some days I just felt that I am purposely avoided. The gap inside is seriously gaping. But what can I do.
Being hopeful is the best that I can do, and at this moment, the only thing I can do. One step at a time then. Persevere on.

I also can't help but feel that nowadays, I am losing my friends once again. Is it because I am such a lousy friend? Or am I unable to forge meaningful relationship with others?
Don't know if it's true or not. It's just a gut feeling. I seriously hope it's not true.
Doubts, doubts, doubts. Am I really so distance from others? Or seemed distant? I hate sharing personal things.
Why? Because the stories are never about rainbows and butterflies, but more of rats and houseflies. Every single time I share about it, people give me that look.
Welcome to the perfect world of mine.
I have to look forward.

Given how my family is. I guess I can wonder why I can't forge meaningful relationship. Family in itself seem distant.
Sometimes I would just wonder and picture, how wonderful it is to create a perfect family of mine. But that dream seem so distant now. I can only just look forward.
Yes! Maybe that's the goal I am looking at. With half the family now interacting with me on a very monetary and transaction basis. While being the problem solver for another half. So what exactly is a family.
Hmmm... I have to look forward.

Work hasn't been that well, but I guess that's my coping mechanism. To work hard and to gain a certain status from it.
Well, will just have to work harder and earn more for now.

If anyone is wondering I keep talking about moving forward, it's because that is the only thing I am able to do. I realized I was bitter in the past.
Maybe I still am now, but to keep walking and moving forward, that's the way to go, instead of being trap and stagnant. Maybe that's why I like to walk.
To learn and to move on. To cope and to move on. To carry on with this life and see what other mysteries are there.

"I told you everything"
"Opened up and let you in"
"You made me feel alright"
"For once in my life"
"Now all that's left of me"
"Is what I pretend to be"
"So together, but so broken up inside"
"'Cause I can't breathe"
"No, I can't sleep"
"I'm barely hangin' on"

"So pull me up from down below"
"‘Cause I’m underneath the undertow"
"Come dry me off and hold me close"
"I need you now I need you most"

Just some lyrics to convey how I feel now. Lets see when will be the next time I post something else then.

Bye to myself for now.